No Doubt About It

A million posts fill my head as I am in traffic or in the shower.  Then, I sit to write and I'm blank.

I know I wanted to write about this transition of my life, but for that very life I can't think of a single thing right now.

I vacillate in my mind between being really honest on this forum and just putting up the pretty stuff.  I have no clue who even checks this blog anymore.  It's been so long forgotten.

The brutal honest truth in this season of life is that it's tiring.  I can't say "hard" because teaching comes quite naturally to me.  I guess that "bossy" title I loathed and was criticized for throughout childhood is actually an asset when it comes to teaching.  I have command of my classroom and can "manage" it very well.  My students listen to me and, for the most part, stay in line and let us get down to business.  They know they are loved.  At least, I hope they know that.  If they leave with more knowledge but not knowing that they are deeply loved by one more adult in their life, then I have failed with one of my primary goals.

I am incredibly blessed.  I often just sit and think about all the pieces that have fit together to form this very place where I get to exist and thrive.  The intricacies of detail that all fit perfectly together are just too incredible.  I could not have orchestrated it if I tried.  My mom moving to live with us, the timing of support and certificates, tests being prepped for a passed, childcare for Jett, jobs for Joel and I, being with three of my children every single day....

But, this place in life is tiring.  Anyone who has taught knows what I mean.  Everyone says your first year is like a beating.  I understand.  Honestly, I'm grateful it came in this season.  I mean, it's definitely more taxing to experience my first year while I'm also a wife and mother to four children.  But, it also gives me a perspective that would have been lacking 8 years ago.

I rarely look through the lens and see my classroom as just a teacher.  I'm always a mother first.  I am a mom.  It's just who I am.  It defines me more than my role as a teacher in a classroom ever will. I'm a teacher.  I've embraced it fully. But, I'm a mama.  I'm a much better teacher because I'm a mama.  My children have had fantastic teachers who aren't mothers.  I don't know if they'll be "better" after they become mothers.  I just know I am better because I'm a mother.

When I get frustrated with a student--whether it's because they aren't "getting it" or because they can't seem to control their behavior--I end up getting reminded that this is someone's Rylee.  This child is the baby that's celebrated every year by another mother.  They have goals and hopes and dreams for this child.  They would want me to be patient and understanding.  This child deserves for me to be understanding.  When I can't get it right I want others to be understanding with me.  And, ultimately, I want this child to learn love.  Why bother to teach him how to read better if I can't teach him the more important thing of love? How can I teach love unless I demonstrate it?

It's a constant asking of Jesus to fill me, to overflow me.  He must be my hands and feet because too often my hands are too sweaty and my feet too achy.

I am still dawdling my way through 2 Timothy during quiet times.  I keep hanging up on the verse that talks about being ready in season and out.  I am wondering what season this is.  I remember a time in the not to distant past when I wondered if I would ever have (and hoped for) opportunities to really put my faith into practice.  I felt like I was always home and surrounded by a Christian bubble.  ha!  Of course, my home and children are a primary mission field.  I see it all the more now that I'm in "their" environment all day every day.

It's exhausting.  The schedule, the pace, the expectations, the demands, the thinking and learning and planning...  I'm sure I'm not doing half of it right and I'm not even doing some things.  But, wow, the joy.  There is still great joy in knowing I'm right where I'm supposed to be right now.