Tears

I had a very emotional weekend.

I cried a lot yesterday.  I mean A LOT.  It was a lot more than I think I've cried in a long time.

It's really frustrating and hard when you can't pinpoint exactly why you're crying.  It almost makes the crying insulting somehow.

I can put my finger on several things that contributed to the crying.  Perhaps there was a piece of me that was mourning.  Today is Jett's 2nd birthday.  My baby boy, my youngest, is now 2 years old.  This time has gone by quickly.  Maybe I'm mourning the passing of time.  I think it's more tied to this season of my life, though.

In my previous post, I mentioned the heyday I think the enemy has in my envy.  Today, I will say I think he has a heyday in my doubts.  Doubts is the best word I can use right now.  Insecurity is there, but that connects to envy too and this is a different beast.

I think it goes back to the mourning.  I'm still adjusting to this season of life where I teach full-time.  And, when I say "full-time", that's what I mean.  I am at school every morning around 7:15 and most days I don't leave until after 5 pm.  It's not that I want to stay so long or that I'm just so incredibly committed.  It's that I just can't seem to get it all done any faster.  Even with those hours, I still bring lots of work home and often spend hours at night planning, prepping, and grading.

Everyone says your first year teaching is a beast.  The learning curve is straight up.  Not slight incline here.  No easing into it.  After all, 42 eager little people await my guidance every single day.  They can't be put off until I have time to get it all done.  Time moves on.

My desire to have things mastered before I have to teach them is greatly challenged in this season.  I find myself googling things way too often because I'm either clueless on an answer or I'm second-guessing what I think is right.  I'm also learning a lot on the back end of many activities.  I have those "ah-ha" moments often these days as I'm in the 2nd half of the year and just now putting some of the pieces of the puzzle together.

There are moments where I'm incredibly proud of myself.  I look at my experience, my circumstances, and what I've done with it all and how I'm doing every day and I think "this is pretty amazing".  I marvel at how God has pulled things together and allows it to flow.  But, then I easily slip into moments like this weekend.  I fall apart.  I look at things other than my classroom.

I look at my family.  I feel guilty.  I scrape together a meal or pick up a pizza.  I look at the laundry I didn't wash or fold.  I empty the dishwasher I didn't load.  I pick up the little boy I've barely seen this week.  I wonder...

This is a season.  I have absolutely NO doubt God gave me this job.  I have NO doubt this is just a season.  But, this season can be hard.  I'm trying really hard to keep my eyes focused.