Gossip ...my take

In a recent post I asked where the line is drawn between sharing and gossip. It's a fine line that I think we/I overstep many times.

I got great feedback. Thank you for your thoughts on the topic.

Here's what I think about talk and when it's deemed as gossip...

Simply put: If the comments and thoughts do not build up the listener or inform them of something they can/should act on, then it's gossip.

Using the scenarios I mentioned in my previous post, if I begin to talk to a friend about another friend and her kids without the intention of reconciliation, then I'm promoting gossip. If, however, I listen to my friend's complaint and then begin to challenge her and encourage her thereby promoting unity amongst my sisters, I think it's serving as an encourager. If I sense that my friend doesn't really want counsel or encouragement but is looking for an ally or is looking to turn me against another friend and/or her kids, then I should lovingly call her on it and encourage her as best I can.

As for more trivial things, like someone's hair or weight or clothing...guilty! I'm a people watcher. I like clothes and hairstyles and decorating and colors and such (not that I'm very stylish myself). But, I notice things. I don't think it's necessarily wrong or gossip to comment on these types of things so long as you aren't being mean. For example, I don't see anything wrong with saying "Wow! Debra looks so good. I love her new hair cut." Or "Maggie has lost weight. I need to find out what she's been doing." To tear someone down...duh, that would be gossip and wrong. As for those ladies that think saying anything to do with these purely physical things is gossip...I'd disagree. Those things just don't matter to some people. But, just because I comment on such things wouldn't make me petty or a gossip. Graciously saying "Oh, I hadn't noticed" (like Deanna mentioned in her comment) is probably a great tactic for many who could care less about these types of things.

Okay, my third example had to do with a trio of friends and social media. When someone is using social media to talk through an issue on any level, I think they are inviting others to talk about it as well. The general "rules" of not running someone down or talking excessively about something that doesn't involve you still apply. But, it's easy to pick up bits of information and need clarification when it's mentioned on social media (especially with the new screwed up feeds on Facebook...but that's a whole other post!). I think a wise person would encourage direct communication whenever possible, though.

Gossip doesn't foster closeness. Sometimes we throw out gossip in order to bait the affections of the listener. In other words, I tell my friend a secret thing so she will feel close to me. But, in order to gain closeness with her, I have to betray another person. That's fake closeness!

As Christians, we are called to unity. We are called to help reconcile others with God. And, I believe that Jesus taught us how to handle conflict in a way that promotes reconciliation with one another. United we stand, divided we fall.

We are warned against being a gossip throughout Scripture. We are told that we (as women) should be busy with our responsibilities, not having too much time for idle chatter. For me, gossip is hard to entertain when I'm busy doing what I should be doing.

Let's be a people who promote unity and honor others with all the words of our mouth whether they hear them or not!

Real and Juicy

Along to the lines of my previous post about being real and authentic and having honest relationships, you have to tackle the issue of gossip.

Recently this has come to me personally. I want to have real relationships. It's not worth the time or effort for this mama to invest in fluff. I don't have it in me!

But, as we open up and share what's really frustrating us, what we're struggling with, the questions that cause us to pause and reexamine every aspect of our life, we will often come to a point that it involves someone other than us.

So, when do you cross that line from "sharing" and being honest to being a gossip.

I believe firmly that gossip is a problem more than we admit. I think I cross the line too often. I hear gossip too often. And, I don't say the hard words "Stop! This isn't something I need to know or should be told." I mean, for real...my flesh wants to hear it! I want to know what happened with that person. I enjoy reading People magazine!

So, let me throw out a fake scenario. Then, you MUST comment so we can dialogue a little here. I don't have much content on this. I can throw you a Scripture, but let's talk dissection here. Break it down with me.

Scenario #1:
I'm friends with Roxy. Roxy and I get along well and spend time together frequently. We both have kids and they play well together, for the most part. One day I'm over at Susie's house. Susie begins to tell me that she's having trouble when she invites Roxy and her kids over for playdates because Roxy's kids aren't treating her kids well. {STOP. Should this conversation continue? Is it gossip?}

Scenario #2:
We're sitting out on my patio...several friends. One friend asks "What is Melinda doing with her hair these days?" (apparently it hasn't been looking like it normally does) {STOP. Should this conversation continue? Is is gossip to comment on her hair?}

Scenario #3:
Jane has told me about her oldest daughter from a previous marriage. She hasn't said much, but I know an older daughter exists. I'm not very close to Jane. Another friend, Mary, is close to Jane. I see on Facebook (because I'm "friends" with Jane) that something has happened with her daughter. I don't really feel comfortable asking Jane "hey, what's up with your daughter". After all, I don't really talk to Jane that often. So, I ask Mary, "What's going on with Jane's daughter? I saw on Facebook that something was up." {STOP. Should this conversation continue? Is it gossip? Jane has obviously shared something on a public forum.}

I'm being completely honest here when I say I want feedback. I have no answers ...well, I can give an answer but it will probably end with me saying "but...". I think there are some muddy waters. But, maybe it's because I'm immature. So, let's hear it!

How Are You? Good.

Really?

How are you?

I'm good.

No, really. Are you good?

Rarely does the exchange go that far. Sometimes, on a rare occasion it does. That's when you really get into it.

I have a friend who has many "friends". Rather, she is a friend to many. At times she has been a friend to so many that she just can't handle the weight of everyone else's problems and it almost swallows her up.

The problem is, you can't carry that kind of weight. We aren't supposed to.

We are told to carry one another's burdens. But, I don't think Jesus meant that we are to carry all the burdens of everyone around us.

I used to try. I used to be the dumping ground. I would hear everyone else's problems and encourage them or try to help find a solution.

Problem was...no one was really doing that for me. Then, I began to realize something. I wasn't being honest. I wasn't trusting them.

I still struggle with that. I struggle with being completely vulnerable and answering the question "How are you doing?" with openness.

I usually wait to see if they ask it again. Maybe it's my litmus test. I guess I've been let down too many times when I shared too much too soon or too often.

But, you'll never have an authentic relationship if you can't answer the question "how are you?" with complete honesty the first time.

Empathy...a Great Blessing

I would like to think I am empathetic.

Actually, I've been blessed several times by a friend who told me how much my empathy blessed her. I can remember two distinct times: once a friend was telling me about a heartache with her soon-to-be husband and another time a friend was talking about her ailing mother. Both times, I could only sit with my friend and cry. I wanted words of wisdom to share, but they evaded me. Instead, I just cried.

Maybe that's why I like this post by Molly Piper so much. If you don't know Molly's story, take a moment when you get to her blog to read about the heartache she's been through. Then, read her recent post on Imagining. I think you'll be blessed!

Living in Community

God never ceases to amaze me. I was asked to proofread some documents recently. I've had the project on my "to do" list for two months now.

I know, that's insane!

I'm determined to complete the task. I began working on the project and finished with the first document. Then, I began working on the second document and got frustrated. (It was longer.) Today, I finally finished that second document. I told my friend "I will send you the others tonight." Now, I'm obligated.

I allowed the afternoon and evening to go by without finishing the other documents. I did important things like cook dinner, talk to my husband and kids, run to WalMart for a few grocery items, make cookie dough with my kids, and then put kids to bed with Joel. But, I also lost my uumph to get the project done.

Meanwhile, in my head and heart have been swimming concerns, questions, and bits of learning about "Community". Particularly, I have noticed lately that many women I know well talk about not having many deep friendships with other women.

I have always struggled with having deep friendships with other women (when I was younger, with other "girls", as we were not yet women).

Why is this?

Don't get me wrong, I have some very close girlfriends. But, as a whole, I would say that I sometimes still struggle with this. Since I've now moved several times, many of my closest girlfriends don't live anywhere near me (some around the world, some on the east coast, some in the southwest, some in the south). I would still categorize myself as someone who makes acquaintances very quickly but only forges deep friendships after much time and some testing.

Enter the project.

I decided as I was sitting here at my computer looking at something else, "I'm going to finish the project!" So, I opened the next document.

Whaddya know?

The topic is Community.

• Do you have close friends or connections?
• Have you ever wondered, where did all my family or close friends go; it is so hard to maintain close connections, and then you realize it is even harder to make new ones. This can be overwhelming and sad.
• Are you afraid of getting too close to people?
• Are you afraid of admitting your need for people in your life and then feeling rejected and left alone?
• Let’s flip it around. Are you too caught up in your own busyness that you don’t recognize people that feel this way and you don’t allow them to connect with you?
• We live in a very individualistic culture. A very lonely world.
• Among the church should be the last place you feel alone, but the church is also a setting of loneliness rather than connection often times.

What do people need? True, authentic, and real community. It's what we were created for!

So, how do we have that kind of community?

As a Christian, we need to look at the early church. Read Acts 2:41-47.

They (Christians) met together daily. They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, and prayer.

The apostles' teaching was central. (This was even before the New Testament was written, of course--they were living it!)

Take a look at Acts 2:14-36 to see what the first hand accounts from the apostles would have looked like.

The Scriptures were vital to their gatherings. The wanted to know Jesus intimately and wanted to know how to live like Him.

Jesus prays to the Father, Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth (John 17.17). Is this happening today?

George Gallup says The churches of America face no greater challenge as we approach the next century than overcoming biblical illiteracy, and the prospects for doing so are formidable because the stark fact is, many Christians don’t know what they believe or why. Our faith is not rooted in Scripture. We revere the Bible, but we don’t read it. Some observers maintain that the Bible has not in any profound way penetrated our culture.

In the first century, the believers were penetrating their culture. Why? Because they devoted themselves to the apostles' teachings. They weren't a people puffed up with knowledge. They were a people who in hearing, reading, studying, applying, and engaging with the Scriptures had their life so radically changed that they lived like Jesus. They walked in holiness. And, their godly witness spread like wildfire.

Our relationship with Jesus is definitely a personal relationship. We can grow personally and individually, but we must not forget that we also need community (the body of believers) to help us in the area of growth. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks of two being better than one because when one falls, the other can help him up. Likewise, Hebrews repeated says "let us..." as it talks about growth. Hebrews 10:24 says "Let us consider how we can spur one another on towards love and good deeds."

Our walk is not just an individual thing. It involves a community.

Maybe I'll write more about this later, but for now, I'm glad I chose to proofread the documents.

It never ceases to amaze me how God answers prayer. I had no idea this document was sitting on my computer as I wrestled around with my thoughts earlier and began asking Him questions through prayer.

He is such a faithful God.

I just can't begin to imagine my life without Him.

Insecurity

There are several things on my mind and since I posted just to post earlier, I'll be a little more serious here.

I just perused through my list of frequented blogs and came across the LPM blog (Living Proof Ministries--Beth Moore). One topic really struck me. It's a survey about insecurity. All responses had to be anonymous, and women were really honest. Feel free to check it out here.

What amazed me about this survey is how much women feel insecure! The ages are across the range and they are single/married--doesn't seem to matter. I read quite a few of the comments and they really hit a nerve in me.

I'm curious to see what Beth and LPM will do with this material. I imagine there will be a study at some point dealing with insecurity. But, in the meantime, I think I have to ask myself what I'm doing to help the women around me not feel insecure.

I'm not saying I'm personally to blame, but when you read through the comments, it is obvious that women are most insecure around other women. I completely understand this!

I posted previously about reading others' blogs and struggling to not compare myself or feel inadequate (previous post here). I think those feelings of being inadequate come from an insecurity. I do it ALL the time. It's partly why I dislike Facebook and other such sites (including blogs sometimes) because everyone puts their pretty pictures on there and I just get jealous! I mean...I am not as thin and fit as I'd like to be, I don't take exciting trips very often, I don't have a lavish lifestyle, others' kids seem to be having more fun in life than mine are, .... I could go on, but there's no need. All you women already know it; you probably think the same things!

So, what can we do to help alleviate this some?

I think one way is to encourage others. Not cheesy encouragement, but real encouragement.

Yesterday I was bombarded with humbling encouragement by a dear sister of mine. She just poured God's soothing balm on me by telling me the sweetest encouraging words. They gave me courage to continue. They were unsolicited and overwhelming.

And, they were much needed.

What if we started telling the women in our life how incredible they are? Not a trite "I Love You" or "I appreciate you", but lengthy descriptions.

Another thing we need to regularly do is check ourselves to see if we have attitudes or thoughts about others that are ungodly. Am I always looking at others and measuring them up? Do I immediately find the good in others or the negative?

Finally, I want to try and reach out. I know we can't be friends with everyone. I don't want to spread myself thin and not be able to have deep friendships. But, sometimes we get so wrapped up in our established relationships that we don't even notice the sister who is lonely.

I want to help bridge that gap!

My heart is sad to hear that so many women struggle with insecurity. These are Christian women who know God and want to be known by Him. We should know our security in Christ and be confident in who we are in Him.

I still have lots of room to grow. At least I know I'm not alone in my struggle.